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Discussion Starter #1
The title is the warning...if you're easily offended, stop reading here and exit the thread...

If you're still here...let's see what you've got...

:eek:

I'll start:



Dilemma of Don't Ask, Don't Tell




Well, Obama recently signed the bill that allows gays to serve openly in the Military.

No more don't ask don't tell. But what he has really done is cause confusion in the ranks that could easily cost Marine lives.


This is what can now happen!!



You know that Marines are trained to immediately obey orders.



So imagine ......................



You're a Marine in a combat situation, the enemy is firing at you, and running toward your position.



The guy next to you is openly gay.



Then your Squad Leader yells out.......... "Shoot the cocksucker!"



Do you see the confusion here?

:rofl:
 

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Even Sesame Street facepalms that :rofl:

Offensive, but extremely funny at the same time.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
C'mon...nobody else has any bunny but offensive comedy to share?
 

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Funny Probably Offensive Stuff, huh?

How about this, then?










I laughed so hard when i saw it, i almost pee'd my pants...

Does this make me some kind of sicko?
:confuse12:
 

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How about this, then?










I laughed so hard when i saw it, i almost pee'd my pants...

Does this make me some kind of sicko?
:confuse12:
Hahaha!!!! that made me laugh so hard as well, At my high school there was a kid like that his name was Travis and he was the coolest kid ever! I always was nice and he always gave me high fives!:thumbsup:
 

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And 30 years later...
 

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:lolabove: YO WTF, i have not laughed that hard in a long ass time. :lolabove:
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor orphans.
I said, “F--k that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!”


__________________ __________________________________


Wife says to husband, “If you start riding that new bicycle I bought for you to work, we can get rid of the second car.”


He replies, “If you take it up the ass and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!”


__________________________________________________ __


What’s the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET?


ET learned English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own f'ing bike,and wanted to go home!


__________________________________________________ __


A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.


The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.


A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they banged my wife after only five beers!”


__________________________________________________ __


Got this text from my brother recently.


It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while?


The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.


It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”


__________________________________________________ ____


Was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”


Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day.


__________________________________________________ __


Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the hell out of this idiot at a party. In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.


__________________________________________________ __


My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.


”I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cus when you’re coming, you look like a ****ing Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”


__________________________________________________ __


I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.


Last night I banged a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what?


__________________________________________________
 

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Discussion Starter #14
It's old...but it's still funny...



AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible.."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started.......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age..

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.
 

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Those are all really funny! Here's one i found today.

My wife makes a terrible sand which. After 5 years you'd think she would get the mayo right but no.

It's a lot. I like a lot. How hard is that? Are sickened by the amount of mayo you just put on that bread? No? Then put more on it.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
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Question - Are there too many immigrants in the United States?
17% said yes;
11% said No;
72% said "I am not understanding the question please." Or “no speaka engrish”
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A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.
1st kid says "A computer".
Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."
2nd kid says "a new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.
Little Johnny pops up and says "At my house we don't need nothin."
The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, "no I'm sure." "When my sister started going out with a Muslim, I remember my dad saying, "Well, that's the last damned thing we need."
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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
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My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
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The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.
 
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