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There was a happily married couple who suffered from one problem. Every morning the husband would wake up, roll over, and let out a huge fart. His wife would say "Honey, one day you're gonna fart your guts right out!"

One Thanksgiving, she woke up early to cook the turkey. She had an idea to play a joke on him. She took the gibblets and neck of the turkey and quietly slipped them into his shorts while he was a sleep, and without waking him, snuck back downstairs.

an hour later, she hear a loud fart, followed by a bloodcurdling scream. She had a good chuckle.

Two hours later, he came downstairs. He was white as a sheet, sweating bullets, and holding up two fingers. "My goodness!" she said. "What happened to you?"

HE said "Baby, you kept telling me that I was gonna fart my guts out; and you're right! I did! But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I got them back in!"
 

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Discussion Starter #3
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a
room to meet with his accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million
bucks you embezzled from me?"

The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and
cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well...ask him where the damn money is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where
the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking
about."

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know
what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to
the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says,
"Ask him again where the money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know
where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK!, the money is
hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you
don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
 

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A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a
room to meet with his accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million
bucks you embezzled from me?"

The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and
cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well...ask him where the damn money is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where
the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking
about."

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know
what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to
the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says,
"Ask him again where the money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know
where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK!, the money is
hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you
don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

:rofl: I like that one alot!
 

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An old man and woman were married for many years,

even though they hated each other.

Whenever there was a confrontation, screaming and
yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die,
I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come
back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbors feared him.


They believed he practiced black magic, because of

the many strange occurrences that took place in their
neighborhood.


The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when

he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake.

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and

began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.


Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't

you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up

and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the

rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig.

I had him buried upside down.'


Damn women think of everything!!!!
 

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London Times Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common
Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for
sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago
lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as
having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird
gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was
my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies
(don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable
strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when
well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in
place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual
harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from
school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired
for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his
condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for
doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in
disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further
when schools were required to get parental consent to
administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted
to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became
businesses; and criminals received better treatment than
their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend
yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar
could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a
woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was
hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly
awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth
and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter,
Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4
stepbrothers: I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else
Is To Blame, and I'm a Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he
was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not,
join the majority and do nothing.
 

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f this doesn't make you chuckle, I give UP.

Reverend Boudreaux
was
the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and
Pastor
Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across
the road.



They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into
the
ground,that read:


'Da End is Near
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now

Afore It Be Too Late!'


As a car sped past them, the driver
leaned out his window and yelled,
'You religious nuts!'


From the
curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash...


Boudreaux
turns to Thibodaux and asks,
'Do ya tink mayba da sign
should
jussay.....'Bridge Out?'
 

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Discussion Starter #10
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
Back at home for a few days, the bride called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful four-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home! Please, Mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home! Please, Mama!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, Mama ... words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Life Lessons from experience.

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in
front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up
her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the administrative clerk. 'I want to be in
the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and
the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and
do
nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the
turkey,
'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.


Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of
the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze
and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize
how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
 

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An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were
amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver
walls that could move
apart and then slide back together
again.


The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father
(never having seen an elevator)
responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this
in my life, I don't know
what it
is."


While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,
a fat old lady in a
wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened,
and the lady rolled between them into a small room The
walls closed, and the boy
and his father watched the small numbers above the walls
light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number,
and then the numbers
began to light in the reverse order. Finally the
walls opened up again and
a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not
taking his eyes off
the young woman, said quietly to his son
....



"Go get your
mother...."
 

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Iraq demands that all aircraft flying in it's airspace give identification of country of origin, aircraft type, and destination.

One conversation with Iraq Defense ground Control was recorded and went like this:

Iraq Defense G.C. "Unidentified aircraft in Iraqi airspace, identify yourself and give your course and destination."

Aircraft: "This is a U.S. aircaft in Iranian airspace."

Iraq: You must give correct identification or leave. If you don't we will launch interceptor aircraft."

Aircraft: "This is a U.S. Marines FA-18. Come on up, we'll wait."

The Iraq ground control never replied . . . . .

OOO-RAH!

Budd
 

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Iraq demands that all aircraft flying in it's airspace give identification of country of origin, aircraft type, and destination.

One conversation with Iraq Defense ground Control was recorded and went like this:

Iraq Defense G.C. "Unidentified aircraft in Iraqi airspace, identify yourself and give your course and destination."

Aircraft: "This is a U.S. aircaft in Iranian airspace."

Iraq: You must give correct identification or leave. If you don't we will launch interceptor aircraft."

Aircraft: "This is a U.S. Marines FA-18. Come on up, we'll wait."

The Iraq ground control never replied . . . . .

OOO-RAH!

Budd
:bow::bow:
 

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Discussion Starter #15
A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer.

The husband said I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer.

The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said "I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the $2000 in the drawer.

The husband replied" Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.
 

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This is
both interesting and 'funny'??
Bet no one ever heard
of this one??


Railroad
tracks. This is
fascinating.



Be sure to read
the final paragraph; your understanding
of it will depend on
the earlier part of the
content.


The US
standard railroad gauge (distance
between the rails)
is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an
exceedingly odd
number.





Why was that
gauge used? Because that's the way
they built them in
England, and English expatriates
designed the US railroads.






Why did the
English build them like that? Because
the first rail lines
were built by the same people who built
the pre-railroad
tramways, and that's the gauge they

used.





Why did 'they'
use that gauge then? Because the people
who built the
tramways used the same jigs and tools
that they had
used for building wagons, which used
that wheel
spacing.





Why did the
wagons have that particular odd wheel
spacing? Well, if they
tried to use any other spacing, the
wagon wheels would break
on some of the old, long distance roads
in England, because
that's the spacing of the wheel
ruts.





So who built
those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome
built the first long
distance roads in Europe (including
England) for their
legions. Those roads have been used
ever
since.





And the ruts in
the roads? Roman war chariots formed
the initial ruts, which
everyone else had to match for fear of
destroying their
wagon wheels. Since the chariots
were made for
Imperial Rome, they were all alike in
the matter of wheel
spacing. Therefore the United States
standard railroad gauge
of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from
the original
specifications for an Imperial Roman
war chariot.
Bureaucracies live
forever.





So the next time
you are handed a
specification/procedure/process and wonder
'What horse's ass came up with
this?', you may be exactly
right. Imperial Roman army
chariots were made just
wide enough to accommodate the rear
ends of two war horses.
(Two horses' asses.) Now, the twist
to the
story:





When you see a
Space Shuttle sitting on its launch
pad, there are two big
booster rockets attached to the sides
of the main fuel tank.
These are solid rocket boosters, or
SRBs. The SRBs are made
by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.
The


engineers who
designed the SRBs would have preferred
to make them a bit
fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped
by train from the
factory to the launch site. The
railroad line from the
factory happens to run through a tunnel
in the mountains,
and the SRBs had to fit through that
tunnel. The tunnel is
slightly wider than the railroad track,
and the railroad
track, as you now know, is about as
wide as two horses'
behinds.





So, a major Space
Shuttle design feature of what is
arguably the world's most
advanced transportation system was
determined over two
thousand years ago by the width of a
horse's ass. And
you thought being a horse's ass
wasn't important?
Ancient horse's asses control
almost everything...
and


CURRENT Horses Asses
are controlling everything
else!
 

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As a radio hobbyist (and often playing with my scanner, looking for new freqs or monitoring the more interesting ones,) I get to hear some odd things...

Heard on SJC TCA net:
[Unknown Pilot]"Man, I'm f'in bored up here."
[SJC Tower]"Previous transmission, identify yourself immediately!"
About a minute passes...
[Unknown Pilot]"I said I was f'in bored, not f'in stupid."

Heard on SFO TCA net:
[SFO Tower, female voice]"United 3875 Heavy, proceed to runway 10L and stand by for takeoff orders."
Apparently, the pilot went to the wrong runway. SFO has four runways in two pairs of parallel strips, and this pilot went to runway 10R...
[SFO Tower]"You went to 10 right! How could you be so stupid? I can't believe it, it's going to take hours to unravel this traffic mess you just caused, and it's probably going to delay things for the next eight to ten hours! I'm going to have to report you to the FAA for incompetence, and report you to all the other airlines for screwing up their schedules! I can't believe this!"
[Unknown pilot]"Wasn't I married to you once?"

Heard while monitoring SJPD:
[Officer]"We're going to 10-19 this guy after all." (Arrest him and take him to jail.) "We just got done searching his vehicle, and we found what appears to be a half kilo of cocaine packed in a foam cooler full of coffee grounds. Standy by for information." (Packing drugs in coffee is/was actually fairly common - the coffee grounds overpower the scent of the dope, thus fooling the dogs. I think they've managed to train the dogs to scent past coffee, tho...)
[Officer]"{Reads off address, vehicle tag #, driver's license #} ... and the individual's name is Juan Valdez."
[Dispatch]"Say again, please?"
[Officer]"You heard correctly - Juan Valdez."
There was a lot of sniggering on the radio net for the next hour or so...

Remember when the "hand-picked by Juan Valdez" coffee commercials were so big? That's when this happened...

Sometimes you can make up a joke. Sometimes you just listen - the jokes write themselves...
 

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Discussion Starter #20
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.

Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your thighs."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.

Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.

She quickly turns and asks,” What’s so funny Billy?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your thighs."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again.

So she bends over to pick it up.

This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student.

She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"
 
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